Remember Oh, the Places You’ll Go!? It was the book everyone got for graduation as we prepared for the next big thing. Dr. Seuss told us we’d soar… and fall. He warned that we’d be swimming in fun and excitement one moment, then find ourselves very much alone the next. He was right, of course; it’s a book full of excellent life lessons. Some would even call it a timeless classic.

You’d think there’d never be another, right? You’d be wrong. Because buried in mile-high mounds of Seuss’s personal papers was this: the never-before-seen masterpiece, Oh, the Piles You’ll Face! (Unsubstantiated rumors have Harper Lee’s lawyer finding it; she’s mighty good at uncovering stuff after many, many years.) So without further ado, here’s the sequel to Oh, the Places You’ll Go!  I’m sure it’ll be equally beloved, even though the future didn’t turn out quite as we expected (the first book never even mentioned piles). Surprises are grand, aren’t they?

Oh, the Piles You’ll Face!

Congratulations!

Today is your day.

You’re off to face piles!

You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.

(Or you did last we checked)

You can tackle those piles,

you can come out unwrecked!

Now, pay attention to piles; look ’em over with care.

About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.”

(Just one mild warning, I’ve found this one out:

If you ignore certain bills, they will start to shout.

And threaten to cut off your water–just saying,

so you may want to consider piles that need paying.)

OH! THE PILES YOU’LL FACE!

You’ll tackle a pile, hang wet towels up!

You’ll be seeing great sights,

like your kids’ bathroom floor and son’s lost baseball cup!

Whatever the pile, you’ll be top of the top

Wherever things go, you’ll never need stop.

Except when you don’t

Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so

But it’s truly true

Some piles will linger

This will happen to you.

You’ll put them aside, take a walk or a drink,

Piles can wait while you have a think.

You’ll tackle the doable, the easy, the sweet,

But don’t let yourself think all piles a treat.

You’ll come to a place where the piles are flaunting,

that laundry from softball, with stains that are daunting.

Do you think you can take them? Do you dare wade on in?

Because without those fine pants, your kid cannot win.

(Athletic shorts will not do, they’ll not do one bit.

Your poor hapless child will have to lay down her mitt).

So you’ll tackle them bravely, those piles so high!

With sprays and detergent, your partners so fly.

Except sometimes alone is where you will be–

No help with those piles, it’s all down to thee.

You’ll sort through camp forms, the dental, the car,

you’ll face up to piles, whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course,

as you already know.

You’ll get quite mixed up

As those piles will show.

(Not to mention your short-term memory’s shot.

Don’t worry, that happens a heck of a lot.)

Onward, for this you know you can do,

And will you succeed?

Yes! You will, indeed!

83 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.

(Just being realistic.)

FRIEND, YOU’LL MOVE PILES!

So, be your name Murphy or Fine,

or McGonigal Itzkowitz Ashcraft O’Shine,

you’re off to Great Piles!

Today is your day!

Your mountainous piles are waiting.

So…get on your way!

(Or, choose to delay.

Whatever. You’re the grown-up. Sorry.)