Dear Guy Making a Right Turn from the Left Lane:
Not going to sugarcoat it: at first, your move greatly annoyed me. It seemed—how do I say this now without blushing the shade of my favorite skating skirt—dangerous, fool-hearty, even mean-spirited. If only I’d know your true motive: replicating your favorite pairs skating move on our crowded suburban streets. Before my apology, let’s take a step (glide?) back in time, to the beginning.
I was the gal in the right lane, you see, the one who thought it was her prerogative to make the right turn, being closest to Capitol View Drive and all. There may have been an angry honk. Ok, three. But that was all before I saw your “Ice Skating: It’s a Way of Life” bumper sticker. You must have seen my “Skaters Got Edge” decal. And that’s when it came to me: these turns—they were meant to be synchronized, weren’t they? That was, like, a skating move you were proposing right there.
Forgive me dear gentleman, for being so obtuse. There I was, watching you pull out in front of me from the left lane, right blinker on, signaling—its as clear as day now—that we were a team, a pair, a man and a woman gliding side by side. And in pairs-figuring skating speak, our next move was a side-by-side element; the risky and little-before-seen double turn from a two lane road to a one lane road. A move that requires perfect synchronicity until (wait for it!) the man shoots out ahead, leaving his female partner in the stunning and terrifying death spiral, sinking so low as to thrill the audience and earn high marks from all judging the event. Oh sure, there might be a few scrapes, but what’s a little pain in the name of artistry?
Unless you were going for the famed (and banned) Iron Lotus move from your and my all time favorite Will Ferrell movie: Blades of Glory. It does involve the possible loss of one’s head, but what’s a little risk in the name of driving artistry?
Sadly, we both know what happened next. I blew it, choosing instead the more common place “shoot the duck” move—the one every school child learns from his parents’ back seat; the one that involves a pointed finger, spirited instructions, perhaps some tailgating.
If it’s any consolation, a quick google search of “disgrace to the sport of pairs’ driving” will be sure to turn up my forlorn picture, sitting behind the wheel of my duct-taped minivan, head hung low (but just high enough to see other drivers).
Hopefully you’ll get another chance to earn that golden ticket you so richly deserve. Until then, good luck, and happy spinning. Oh, and here’s the Iron Lotus move if you want to study up. Because it is pretty cool. You get to be the one flying through the air, by the way.